My story

Meet SelfDiscoveryCoach Hema

As a little child when left out in a dorm at the age of 3, instead of crying, scared and pleasing, my wounded ego chose to renounce this world that had abandoned me(that was what i made up in my underdeveloped intellect). Although this had ended & i got back with my family after a year, it was never the same. 

From then on i endeavored a journey with furious anger, bitterness and resentment, all alone, lonely in my being caring for none and needing to fight my way out of my own prison, needing to prove, dismissing tenderness and love, with deep hurt, scared to shit yet masked and coped with psuedo courage and determination. All the while, manifesting the same exact prison in various forms, shapes and shades, that i wanted to escape. 

Oh poor me a victim, oh damn smart a tyrant, I was dragging my soul, in a sick and painful body with heartfull of hate & misery and mind full of ignorance & darkness. 

Ever since that little girl's journey became about addictively seeking to understand ONE THING & ONE THING ONLY!! 

WHAT IS THE DAMN MEANING OF THIS LIFE & SUFFERING ? 

HOW CAN I LIBERATE FROM THIS MISERY?

THEY SAID ENLIGHTENMENT WILL SET ME FREE & THAT WAS MY ONLY LAST RESORT. SO I STARTED TO SHOP & HUNT SPECIFICALLY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT.

Educating, Disconnecting from the common ways of pleasures, , Questioning everything, Rebellious, Religion, Spiritual books, discourses, Gurus east & west, Ashrams, Yogic practices, Kriyas, Meditations were my path & process. All these led to Escaping into mind, imagination, day dreaming, Spiritual High & low, Energetic bliss & abyss, neurotic, mind with full of clarity & even fuller chaos, brimming with trust & overflowing with doubt, traumatic accidents & events as interruptions & resets, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, disassociations, impulsive decisions, betrayals, disregulated attachement systems, random insights , deep darkness yet blindfolded bold actions, it would feel like something was driving me and would drop off from the peak at an unexpected moment, i felt like i was possessed and abandoned at the same time, everything kind of exhausted me, worn out my soul and my existence became even more a dread.  

My health was one with steroid shots all the time, rashes and hives for no apparent reason(yes stress wasn't acknowledged a thing at that time), lost my 6 figure IT job, there wasn't anything in essence that might be in a marriage to look fwd to; Health,Relationship,Career,Finance all crashed - sure might have been an ideal formula for an identity disaster! LOL

WHO AM I ? WHAT AM I GOOD FOR? WHY AM I EVEN HERE? WHAT AM I EVEN WORTHY OF? I GOT TIRED OF MYSELF & WANTED TO ESCAPE TO BECOME FREE OF MYSELF. THIS TIME IT WASN'T ABOUT THE WORLD ANYMORE, I HATED MY OWN EXISTENCE. I BECAME UNBEARABLE.

NONE OF THE TEACHINGS, TEACHERS, GURUS, PRACTICES SEEM TO COME TO MY RESCUE.

 I CRIED, STUDIED THE VERSES, SANG OUT LOUD IN DEVOTION, BEGGED, PRAYED, PLEADED, DEMANDED, COMMANDED, ORDERED, SWEARED & EVEN CURSED ALL THE SCRIPTURES, GODS, TEMPLES, MASTERS, METHODS, TEACHERS & MYSELF coz I have lost all my dignity, money, belief, confidence & courage, 100% and MADE A DECISION TO NOT SEEK ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.  PERIOD.

During my visit to India for my brother's wedding, on a casual visit to a local appliance shop to get an accessory for my Preethi mixer in my home town, the store had a sign that said it was closed for lunch time, yet it wasn't lunch time after all. So anyways i went to the neighboring wholistic store where i was browsing thru some books uninterestedly and to pass my time. So the owner approached and handed me a book and said u might find something related to what you are looking for, i was ridiculed and refused to indulge. He kept saying this book is written by an enlightened master, so u will get what you are looking to find. I said iam done with all masters dead and alive , tired of hallucinating enlightenment and have accepted my ordinary-ness.  But he kept insisting to atleast look; the book was only few hundred rupees, so i knew, it wasn't abt sales for him at all....& it wasn't abt money for me as well yet i was getting irritated as my whole life's temptation & failure was getting re triggered.  Then i asked him - 

Is this author really Enlightened? - He said yes. Is he alive? - He said yes. Is he married ?- He said yes. Does he have a career (meaning did he had to work for his living and he is not a saint who gets alms or owns ashrams) -- He said yes. Does he have children? - He said yes. Is he available to be contacted? - He said yes & gave me his number. Will he be accountable with his words and explain or answer to my questions or clarifications or would he condemn and escape saying my maturity in this field isn't enough or ego or some xyz  reasons? - He said -  he likes to be answerable. And moreover, i was so excited & thrilled as he hails not only from India but from the same dialect as mine and speaks my language. A COMMONER WHO IS EXPOSED TO ALL MUNDANE STUFF JUST LIKE ME, YET HE HAS COME THRU......IF THIS WAS TRUE, I STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE IT OR GROW HOPE, BUT IF THIS WAS TRUE, 

I WAS WILLING TO REOPEN THIS CHAPTER AGAIN IN MY LIFE. AND I DID. JUST HIS SINGLE BOOK DURING MY FLIGHT MADE ME LIGHT, BY THE TIME I LANDED I WAS FREE & ENDED MY SEEKING SAGA. IT VALIDATED ALL MY EXPERIENCES, PAIN & GAVE A PERMISSION SLIP TO REST. IAM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO DEAR SRI BAGAVATH - FONDLY I CALL HIM MY AYYAN. AS I WRITE THIS, TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS WITH JOY n RESPECT & MAY THAT WASH YOU TO STEP IN YOUR FLOW AS WELL.

I invite you all to join me in this Flowyer's Journey to come home to yourself, Rest, Reset & Rise. Please come, you will be known & celebrated as who you are. That's my promise to you. THANK YOU.